I've been hanging around the gym way too long because I am starting to laugh my butt off at the things people say. Some of these folks need to be standup comedians with the nonsense that I hear. Like David Letterman's top ten list, here are my favorite one liners from the gym.

These one liners are all derived from the conversations I have actually had.

A conversation around working out or bodybuilding comes up. Typically the conversation goes like this.... "how long you have been working out, where do you train, how many hours a week...blah, blah, blah. Soon he is talking about his next steps to training.

Here's my first and favorite one liners-This one is usually occurs at the gym.

"I just getting back in to it"

Let me interpret. That means you won't see him at the gym again for sometime. The person at that moment has good intentions of coming back to gym and you genuinely believe him but the next night it "no show Jones".

Favorite one liner number 2

"I don't want to get too big."

Honestly, this statement kills me and I have to giggle at some point and say "Oh don't worry, your safe!"

The interpretation of "I don't want to get too big" usually means one of two things:

1. It is the easy excuse to avoid the hard work and committment which they know they don't want to do. We all know it is always easier to deflect a mediocre outcome on something else rather than accepting the responsibility yourself.

2. The second possibility is the person is so stupid they really believe if worked out hard they would get too big. Of course the myth here is, if you get too big you won't be able to comb your hair, right!

How can anyone believe you can get too big! Isn't 300 pounds of ripped muscle a perfectly desireable physique? Okay, okay, sorry, I am off track. Let's stay with the normal person's perspective on getting too big.

(The below picture is morphed. Aim for the Stars and you'll be lucky end up in the heavens.)

Maybe to them 300 pounds is overdoing it. But still do they believe that working out they will gain 50 pounds of muscle in a few months? This defies logic. A year of dedicated hard training will only add about 7-10 lbs of lean muscle mass. So why hold back on your workouts? Beats me.

It is a little like me saying to my tennis instructor, I don't want to be really good at the sport. I shooting for mediocrity. I just want to become a little better.

Lastly and then I am going to quit on this one. Do these folks fail to recognize the genetic requirements to be huge. Like any sport you need to have the right stuff to be great. If it was a matter of desire, then anyone that wanted it would achieve it and the sport would be crowded with great athletes! But this is not so. There are only a handful of Arnold Schwarzenegger's in the world.

I have seen scores of folks in my life that killed themselves in the gym to become a national level bodybuilder (myself included) and they just never made it. Genetics plays a key role of being big.

By the way a corollary to original one liner is "I still want to be able to fit into my clothes." Trust me, you are safe!

Favorite one liner number 3

"I'm getting in shape for the summer."

Oh so I guess being out shape in fall, winter and spring is perfectly acceptable!

I usually hear this statement after the first sunny day in the spring where guys take their shirts off. They take one look at themselves and think "wow I look awful". So the following Monday, all the guys you haven't seen for 9 months are back in the gym "getting in shape for the summer". What a relief to know it only takes a few workouts to get in shape. Stupid me, I thought it took year round hard work.

If you watch closely you will find those "getting in shape for the summer" will only show for a half dozen or so workouts before the tire of the pain or interruption to their personal life.

I have say there is one thing I like about these guys... I love 'em....they pay their gym dues on time and leave the gym to us regulars.

BTW, There is a corollary statement the operates the same and it goes like this; "I'm getting in shape after Christmas" implying the holiday binge eating.

Favorite one liner number 4

"I just want to stay in shape."

Oh, I see improvement is out the question? I guess you must be satisfied with level of development you have achieved?

People who make this statement are generally not fat but not necessarily well built either. Are they really saying they don't want better abs, arms, chest or back? I think not. If looking better is not important, how come I keep seeing them at the tanning salons. They want to have that nice skin color don't they. Don't tell me the rather look like Drew Carey than Jean Claude Van Damme. That's BS. If they could have the better physique, they'd take it in a heartbeat. What they are really saying is "I don't want work any harder than I have too."

Favorite one liner number 5

"I don’t' want to ruin my ability to play baseball." (or insert any other sport you like).

The implication here is that bodybuilding will ruin any chance of success in their chosen sport. Sorry folks but being stronger doesn't deter your success. It improves it. I will agree that training can and should be complimentary to the sport. A long distance runner might train differently than a sprinter. But for crying out loud train and train hard!

Sometimes the implication is bodybuilding will make you less flexible. This too is a myth. The truth is, that failure to stretch any muscle makes you less flexible. Sit on your butt long enought and you can become just as inflexible as a bodybuilder who does not stretch. If flexibility is important to your sport, add that to your program!

I will say that if you go play a sport directly after a workout, your muscles will tend to act a little differently and cause you to appear somewhat less coordinated. I know I played baseball when competing in bodybuilding. However, after a workout and a rest period I was ready to do what ever sport I wanted.

By the way, I have seen pro bodybuilders do splits in their routine. That's flexibility.

So there you have it. I hope at least part of this touched your funny bone. If I offended you perhaps you need to look introspectively.

"Sweat eventually hardens to Muscle".....Scott

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